It wasn’t starting out as one of my best mornings…
The older teen had to be up and out of the house at the crack of dawn for some football thing, the younger teen had spent the entire night playing Minecraft and eating cheesy salsa — which apparently, he prepared all over every surface of my kitchen and his bedroom – and the husband had an early morning appointment that he could not be late for, which meant he had dibbs on the bathroom. So I was left showerless (and mirrorless) to drive my son to an outting with no less than 30 of his teammates.
Without my morning coffee, and still in “workout clothes” — old yoga pants and a ratty t-shirt — I was a true vision of beauty, and just an all around delightful person to hang with, so you can imagine how pleased I was when we arrived at the school and ALL the other moms were not only still there, but actually looked happy about it! They were even dressed… in real clothes… like you’d wear to go out of your house and be seen in…
I planned to do the usual “drop and roll,” pretending I had somewhere really important to be in the next five minutes and simply could not stop to chat, but as soon as my son’s body cleared the minivan door, one of the peppy moms GOT IN! I don’t even know how she did it, it was like some kind of ninja-Houdini move, but there she was, sitting in my passenger’s seat with her head bouncing up and down and squawking at me like a parrot asking me “did you hear?!” “DID you HEAR?!”
HEAR WHAT?! OH MY GAH… WHAT?! Why are you in my car? And why do you smell like donuts and Chanel? And do you have coffee?? WHAT?!
In her most offended and obnoxious voice, she asked if I had heard the rumor that some of the fathers had been at a bonfire and apparently “came up with a “MILF” list!” Of course she was on it, but according to her, so was I!
I had to think about that for a minute because in my caffeine fog, I heard MILK and wasn’t really sure how I fit into that category… but when I realized what she had actually said, I was even more confused. First of all, who chose that list? Were any of them hot? How do they know me? Were my son’s friends there… ewwww! Why wasn’t I invited to the bon fire? Was there food? How did she get on that list? Were the standards high? Have any of those people seen me before coffee? Did they have coffee? But mostly, am I supposed to be offended? And it’s that last question that actually came flying out of my mouth, which I’m thinking (judging by my friend’s reaction) that wasn’t the right question…
“OF COURSE you should be offended! You should be pissed! Do you know what MILF stands for? Is that how the dads SEE us?”
I do know what it stands for, I guess I’ve just never thought of myself as one. I mean, I can see some celebrity types in that category, like Kim Kardashian or Sandra Bullock — but certainly not me!
Personally, sitting there in my 15-year-old minivan which smells like spoiled gatorade and gym socks, wearing stretched out yoga pants, a Jonas brothers t-shirt, no bra, no coffee, no shower, and cheesy salsa as both make-up and hair product… I was kind of flattered. It’s not like I would ever ACT on that accronym, but the thought that at 43-years-old with two teens, a 26-year-marriage and not a single personal trainer or airbrushing, I made the list, well that put a pretty big pep in my step.
When I got home, I didn’t just guzzle coffee to give me the energy to clean up the cheesy kitchen until it was time for the next pick up… I blasted the stereo and had a dance party with Maroon 5 in my kitchen! I actually did a workout in my workout clothes, then I put on a bra and some “outside clothes,” and smiled at myself in the mirror while I brushed my teeth. Unlike my friend who chose to be offended at her new title, I chose to realize that even though some days I may feel like a taxi drivin’, house cleanin’, bad hair day havin’ , hot mess of a zombie mom… to the other parents who are doing and feeling the same things as I am, “hot mess” is just the new “hot.”
And Parent Nation, we still “got it.”
I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty frickin awesome day!
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